Saturday, March 29, 2014

Kill Potter

Harry and the Bikini Bandits by Basil Heatter.

Many years after defeating Voldemort, Harry Potter left England and moved to the Caribbean where he became a local small arms dealer.  After working on his tan, he then attempted to model himself on David Carradine role in his favourite Quentin Tarantino film, Kill Bill. Using the powers of his magical throbbing wand, Harry attracted a trio of kick arse, action women to complete his outfit.  Sadly, Potter never truly achieved anything but local notoriety on his tiny island due to developing an addiction to coconut cocktails, eventually losing his fortune and becoming a homeless alcoholic that slept in the park and made outrageous claims to strangers about being a wizard.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Two Finger Vengeance

Vengeance Rhythm by Two Fingers.


Two Fingers composed the theme music for the TV series Orphan Black, which is a damn good show.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Viking Poo

Given enough time and right environmental circumstances, undisturbed poo begins to fossilise in the ground. When unearthed at a later date, Paleoscatologists (ancient poo specialists) go shit crazy over this desiccated human dung, referring to logs of hardened crap under the more scientifically respectable names of coprolite or paleofeces (specifically human corpolite).
The biggest recorded coprolite was found in 1972 by archaeologists excavating the Viking settlement of Jórvík in York, northern England, measuring 23 cm long.  Known as The Lloyds Bank Coprolite, it was found in beneath the site of what was to become the York branch of Lloyds Bank, it is a paleofeces, and is believed to be the largest fossilised human turd ever found.  Analysis of the weighty stool has indicated that its producer subsisted largely on meat and bread, and the presence of several hundred parasitic eggs suggests he (or she) was riddled with intestinal worms.  In 1991, paleoscatologist Andrew Jones made international news with his appraisal of the item for insurance purposes, saying: "This is the most exciting piece of excrement I've ever seen. In its own way, it's as valuable as the Crown Jewels".  Proving that not all that glitters is gold.
The specimen was put on display at the city's Archaeological Resource Centre run by the York Archaeological Trust. Unfortunately in 2003 tragedy struck, a curator removed removed the paleoturd from its display for a party of VIP's to fondle and in his excitement dropped the fossilised bum nugget breaking it into three pieces.  Fortunately it was reconstructed that same year and in 2008 it was transferred to a display at the JORVIK Viking Centre, where it is now on permanent display nearby a life-sized animatronic Viking townsman in the act of squatting above a Viking latrine.


Saturday, March 08, 2014

Who Touch

 He Touched Me performed by Greg Kendrick.

They have laws against that.  The young Greg Kendrick appears to be the one touching himself.  Perhaps he's been watching too much Dr Who, far too closely.

Sunday, March 02, 2014

February 30ths Book

This is last months book at the start of this month on account of the end of the month sneaking up on me.  Eric John written by Edward Fenton.  Eric John appears as though he may be a big cat.

Although nothing to do with lions, tigers or books, February is short.  I blame Sacrobosco.  When Julius Cesar created the Julian Calendar, months were formed by adding ten days to a regular pre-Julian Roman Republican year of 355 days, creating a regular Julian year of 365 days. The 13th-century scholar Sacrobosco thought that Julius Caesars calendar had 29 regular days in February and 30 on leap years.  He then said Augustus changed this, by taking one day from February to add it to the month of Sextilis, so that the length of Augustus (August) would not be shorter than (and therefore inferior to) the length of Iulius (July).
This story of Augustus and February is still widely repeated but completely wrong.